Absinth
by nanakumi
Summary: "I won't ever leave the people I love behind." How can you move forward when the biggest obstacle is yourself?  SasuSaku


A/N: My head is like a puddle of goop today! :O

1. Preface

"_I won't ever leave the people I love behind."_

….

_Please… please, just let me die here. _

…_._

Sakura could clearly remember the scorn Sasuke had painted his face with as he left. The refined line of his jaw tilted up, his black eyes cast down upon her. Had she known what she knew now, perhaps she would have had the wisdom to stop herself from getting to her feet to follow after him. After all, it was her own two feet that continuously tripped and stumbled, causing her to come crashing down into herself. Her own weakness.

Sakura curled into herself, her vulnerability covering her like a blanket and the torment in her heart dragging her down like lead.

There were often fleeting moments in which Sakura felt torn.

Sometimes, she felt the pang of hope wash through her heart; the intensity of _believing_ in that everything would be okay would be so overwhelming, pulse thumping rapidly in her head, an indescribably strength filling her veins. He mind would focus on the direction she wished to go, filling with voices of hope, bouncing of one another; too fast for her to understand.. too fast for her to keep up. Too fast for her to do _something._ She could feel it, the frustration because she knew, she _knew _it was possible. She could feel her conscience reeling her to do _something_, urging her.

_What? Just tell me what to do! I'd do anything…!_

It was these moments, Sakura realised, that her own heart was betraying her.

Because she was being _foolish._ She was being _ignorant. She was in denial. _Because she was hoping for something that wasn't there. Time and time again. She was _allowing _herself to believe in something that _wasn't there._

And so, it was when she felt that _excruciating_ hope that the seeds of doubt would flourish in the pit of her stomach, the roots latching on and creeping up her spine, clawing at her heart. It was like a weed, grasping desperately onto anything that would allow it to live. So it wasn't until she could feel the doubt wrapped amercilessly around her heart, squeezing so tightly that the erratic beating ceased, that she could stop hoping. It was… _relief._

Yet the disappointment would always catch her off guard. Her eyes would burn with useless, _useless_ tears. Disappointment in herself. Disappointment in her weakness. Disappointment in her uselessness.

Sakura knew what she hoped for, but, her heart was so torn, so _raw_, that she didn't know how to move forward. So many times before she had picked herself back up, a spark of determination blazing, only to be thrown back into the cold depths of despair and failure.

_"You… little girl, are useless."_

Useless. She knew. Her own shadow loomed over her, whispering to her every waking moment.

_"You're ignorant."_

Yes. Ignorant. She knew nothing.

_"Foolish."_

Ah, of course. Her own actions proved that...

_"You know nothing of pain."_

And yet, hearing the cruel words pour from another's mouth suddenly felt almost humorous. The cold, heaviness crushing her to the ground somehow weakened as her own body was overcome with burning rage. Her body ached and ears rang.

… _Stop telling me these things… Stop…. I know….. I know… I know…._

_"I can not turn away from the truth, Sakura. You don't understand now, but you will."_

Sasuke's voice had made her flinch. His cold tone had pierced through her. She had felt belittled and unworthy. But now she understood. She could see the truth that he saw. It was the very same truth that he was facing that she was running from. How could she face it? How could she subject herself to the inevitable pain that she had felt time after time?

But then she remembered the strong outline of the Uchiha's back as he had stood before her, his arms outstretched protectively. _Invincible._ Screams were fresh in her ears. And her own small, trembling frame had revealed the cowardice in her heart. The resentment and shame she held for herself had provoked a dark shadow to loom over her. Her own uselessness screamed at her. The shadow had planted a seed of doubt in her.

Fear transformed her into something _ugly. _How could she stand behind those she loved when she knew her rightful place was _beside_ them?

She could feel her heart bloom, not with hope, however, but with strength. With resolution.

Sakura refused to fall into her own web of self pity; to fall prey to her own short-comings.

It was this new found resistance that provoked Sakura's tiny hands to reach out, fingernails scraping the dirt and she pushed herself to her knees.

"I am _strong_," her own voice felt like a stranger's coming her lips.

Perhaps now she could understand how Sasuke had stood with his back straight. Perhaps she could understand how he had faced immeasurable pain without faltering.

Perhaps she could understand how he had left them.

Left _her._

_She knew where to find him._

…_And sometimes, if you look into yourself, you can gain the ability to look beyond yourself..._


End file.
